The Even If to My What If

I’m notorious for the what if. I wish I could say I wasn’t, but I am. I’ve been working on it for what seems like forever, but daily I struggle not to go down that road.

I do well at hiding it. The outside shows calm, cool, and collected. The inside panic is at the control board for way too long each and every day.

I used to see it as a failure; not being able to move past the fear of the what ifs.  I’ve heard the phrase, “You can’t live your life like that. You never truly live.” While that statement I believe is completely accurate, it so much harder than just turning a switch on and off.

It’s a battle that always seemed I was two steps behind.

I used to ask God to fix it by turning me into someone else. Someone who didn’t think twice about the what ifs. Someone who breezed through life with little care or focus of the fear.

He didn’t fix it. At least not like that. 

He did give me an answer. He gave me the even if to my what if. He gave me my Matthew. 

The calm to my chaos.

The steady voice to my quivering one.

The smile to my tears. 

What if I get sick turns to even if I get sick, it’s going to be okay.

What if my kids or my family get hurt or sick turns to even if my kids or family gets hurt or sick, it’s going to be okay.

What if they don’t like me turns to even if they don’t like me, it’s going to be okay.

What if it’s not perfect turns to even if it’s not perfect, it’s going to be okay.

What if I’m not enough turns to even if you aren’t enough, there is someone who makes up the difference.

Recognize your answered prayers and blessings because they might just be staring you in the face and if you’re too busy to notice you might think He’s forgotten about you. Worry not, He hasn’t. He might just be waiting for the perfect time to deliver your even if.

With love, 

Tori