Two Wrongs Make a Right

I'm a rule follower, always have been. That little voice that says, "Tori, that's wrong you shouldn't do that," has been present in my mind for as long as I can remember. I've tried to follow that voice, desperately at times. As we all know, no matter what you do, no one is perfect. But you can't say that I didn't try 100% of the time to always say and do the things I thought were right.

Hi my name is Tori and I'm a recovering perfectionist and people pleaser. It's taken me 34 years to realize that what I was doing; trying to do everything right; meant I was doing it all wrong.  Trying to always do everything right and stressing over other's opinions about me or what I was doing basically was countering everything I thought I was doing right. You know that saying two wrongs don't make a right; that was the way I was living my life and I didn't even know it, or maybe I should say didn't realize it.

I searched for a long time to try and find "my purpose", what it was that I was supposed to do to "make a difference" in this world. At first, I thought it was teaching; I mean what's more important than making sure our youth are set up with the knowledge for their future. I longed to be that teacher who helped someone have this great epiphany about what they wanted to do with their life. But what I found was unfortunately there was more criticism than the praise I was so desperately longing for. There was more troubled souls at such a young age that needed more than I thought I could give them. So I left. I left and tried to focus on my own family, where I thought it would be easier, less stress and in search of my "new purpose.  The funny thing is I kept searching and searching and searching for that thing I could do really well, in hot pursuit of my purpose. In the end, my search came to an abrupt screeching halt, leaving me shaking my head and crumpled with defeat. My troubled soul was trying to do a job that God never really even called me to do. I was trying to create my own purpose rather than relying on God to take care of me. 

I had to learn to let go of the rules, the perfection, and the people pleasing to live out my purpose, which ultimately is to glorify God with my life. All the time I thought I was doing it all right, my heart was all wrong. My heart was running after the "atta girl" and the "well done"  for what I said was for God, but was really for me and my satisfaction. Talk about a wake-up call. 

It's taken many tears, many days of questioning, many days of reflection, and many days of communication with someone who I believe God put here to help me specifically. Someone who has taught me to let go of the rules of what I thought it should be like and embrace what is. Surprisingly it's someone whose job requires them to enforce the rules on a daily basis. My husband. 

Now before you think words like hypocrite, hear me out, because he is anything but. He has taught me about living a just life and that a just life doesn't mean always following rules and laws. After all rules and traditions are man-made. 

It means seeing myself and others for who they are and what I am. Broken and imperfect but worthy of love and respect. I won't say rules are made to be broken, but I will say breaking them doesn't make you less than, it makes you human. It's not an excuse, just a fact. We can't and will not always choose to do the right thing; but we can choose to remember that God isn't searching for perfect and right. He is searching for someone whose heart chases after him, no matter how many times they have to be brushed off after falling down. He is searching for someone who has two wrongs that need to be made right. I'm willing and ready to be that someone.

With love,
Tori